If I could read the future, would that make my life easier or harder? Who knows. But right now I'm wishing I could have some assurance about what might come in the sort-of-near future. Like any mother, I am always wondering things like "Are people staring at me right now thinking I'm an awful mother?..." OR, depending on the day I'm having, I'm thinking "Why can't everyone be as attentive & nurturing to their child(ren) as I am?" (toot, toot goes my little horn).
Then there are the times of insomnia where everyone is sleeping but me, and I'm running the full list of the other usual questions: "How do I protect my children from people who stifle them?" ... "How do I delight in the girls more & surround them with people who also delight in them?" ... "How do I challenge them - but not too much?" ... "Is our house really big enough for 4 people?" ... "When will my car NOT look like the dumpster behind Babies-R-Us?" ... "Oh, crap, when was the last time I washed my hair?" ... Things like this.
I'm not a huge worrier, but it's amazing how closely knit maternal instinct & "fret" can be. I'm taking "mother bear" to the max.
On the other hand, I find myself asking questions about my own future more frequently now that I have relative closure on the kid-front (that's right, people - this uterus is closed for business, at least for a while). What kind of career do I want to pursue? Do I want to pursue one career or be a renaissance woman, dabbling here & there as I see fit? How will I spend my days on the "good days"? How can I chase after my many passions but also feel kind of settled? Do I ignore some & not others? How do I choose? What if I pick wrong? Or WORSE! What if I pick wrong and it costs us MONEY?! Ahhh! (I promise. I'm not a huge worrier. Really....eh-hem....)
These are the kinds of questions that make me really wish I had a mentor or a really wise, older friend who knew me inside & out and could give me some perspective. I'm such a fickle person though, because when it really comes down to it, I just want someone to dig answers out of my own head instead of giving me their own opinions.
My two daughters give me more joy than I could have imagined anyone would. Now, when I watch movies or shows where a mother has a choice between saving herself/her partner's life & saving the life of her child, my insides leap for joy when she picks the child! I get it now. I also understand my parents better. I understand all parents better.
Thanks for listening to my ranting. You're good listeners.
Thanks. :) I've always kind of thought I'm a good listener! haha!
~Sam
Posted by: Samantha French | May 19, 2010 at 03:05 PM